Soul Gap: The Internal Battle
Your internal battle has begun…and so did mine
The internal battle had begun. Over the next couple of years, I thought and thought of how I could retire from teaching or at the very least figure out what it was that I was supposed to be doing that was something more. I couldn’t put my finger on what that meant…I just knew I was supposed to be doing “more”. You’re reading this book; therefore, I’m going to take a wild guess that you know exactly what I mean. You’re looking for your something more, too.
When you don’t have the support you need
I started looking at going back and getting my psychology degree, but my then-husband, while standing in our laundry room with the washer sloshing through another load, flat out said to me, “If you go to college, we’ll end up divorced.” Ha! Apparently, he was afraid I’d meet new people, grow and change. Well, guess what? The divorce came anyway within a couple of years when I finally had the courage to take my son and leave.
The soul is begging for big changes
By this point, my soul was begging me to make some really big changes. I was seeking a transformation that I didn’t yet understand. I was supposed to do more with my life, but I was doing a lot for my students. I was supposed to travel and expand my boundaries far beyond my hometown, but I was traveling the country with my students. I was supposed to touch more lives, but I couldn’t figure out how to do that when my schedule was already packed out.
No excuses for not doing it sooner
When public internet was in it’s infancy, I started a new business to support other dance studio owners. However, I didn’t have the financial backing to make it freaking amazing. I didn’t have the knowledge or a mentor to guide me. I finally threw in the towel and gave up. Now, I can blame that on a lack of support in so many areas in my life as well as edging towards the divorce, but I’m not one for excuses. Nope, I could’ve found a way to have made it work had I really, really wanted it. It’s just that it wasn’t the something more I was supposed to be doing, and I believe deep down I knew that.
It felt like a tug-o-war, sometimes, between what I was expected to do and what I was meant to do. Without question, that internal battle raged within me for years. At times, I would feel angry. Other times, I would just sit and cry. Mostly, I just felt a deep sense of frustration and confusion. I was running in place, and I desperately wanted to break free, rediscover my dreams and find my path out of the maze of confusion. I had no doubt that someone (more like many someones) were waiting on me to help them find their way out of the maze, too.
Janelle Alex – Transpersonal Business Coach & Shaman for wild women who want to make a real difference in the world, but don’t know where to start.